Calamity Pane

So for 3+ years my coworker, J,  and I have had this ongoing debate, aka WAR, about the front entrance to our building.  We have a glass door complete with prominent metal frame and handle, next to which is a floor-to-ceiling picture window.

Since the first days when they moved my office downstairs all kinds of hilarity (mostly my own) and outrage (mostly hers) have ensued at the expense of the foreheads, noses and cheekbones of various employees of our friendly organization.  This was extremely laughable to me, albeit with that tiny, niggling side-order of “kind-of-sad-because-you’re-stupid”.  (Who doesn’t feel bad for sincerely stupid people?)  Agency staff would literally walk into our building through the one and only entrance – the aforementioned glass-door/window combo – and would inexplicably try to walk back outside through the huge, picture-window.

To this day I still fail to understand this phenomenon.

One of the sweetest perks of being exiled to the downstairs office was being able to hear the catastrophe right when it happened: BANG!  My office just happened to be right across from that glass menace.  It was beyond awesome to be in close enough proximity to be able to run out of my office to “see if everyone was alright”. It was JUST… SOOoooo …ENTERTAINING!

Now I understand it’s rude to laugh at the expense of someone else’s pain and I am not a complete sociopath .  But lets be for real – the only thing anyone actually hurt was their pride.  Who wouldn’t be completely embarrassed after first using the large metal thing to push open what is OBVIOUSLY A DOOR (aka the “door-handle”) and then, not 10 minutes later, attempting to leave through the same area via which you entered, but THIS TIME you attempt to walk through the window which is RIGHT NEXT TO the door…  Something like this but with a significantly wider window. (Our evil-window is on the right):

Do you see me NOW!?

My downstairs-office neighbor, the aforementioned J, can laugh at stupid shit with the best of us, and can crack on morons like a Bieber-bashing PRO. But for some unknown reason she decides to take up a campaign against the “evil picture-window”.

“This is a hazard! Someone’s gonna get a concussion and SUE US! Facilities should put RED CAUTION TAPE on the whole door-frame!!!” was all we heard for weeks. Apparently, it’s ok to poke fun at the domino effect of Norovirus-afflicted staff who keep reinfecting themselves with the office hand-scanner (despite the wall-mounted sanitizer dispenser RIGHT NEXT TO IT) but it was not ok to guffaw at morons who keep trying to walk through what is, to me and MANY OTHERS, an unmistakable window.

Caution tape? Not on my watch, sister. The office clerks and I were having WAYYY too much fun.  Get me some Windex & try again.

We ultimately decided after much chortling and foot-stomping on my part and much whining and scolding on Dummy-Advocate’s part to put it to a vote. Idiot-Proofing Proposal #1: hang a mobile from the ceiling in front of that window. LOL No way. What is this, Romper Room?? (Never mind the fact that most days it could’ve passed for it.) Idiot-Proofing Proposal #2: a potted plant – surely that isn’t offensive? Think for a second, my dear – you want dopes who continually try to WALK THROUGH A WINDOW to NOT trip over a PLANT!?  Hahahahaha! NEXT!!

So then she proposes – “What if you make a nice sign for the window so their eyes will be drawn up and they will notice the glass?”  Now, that sounds kinda reasonable…

Tape this at eye-level so the tall stupid ones will see...

Tape this at eye-level so the stupid ones will see…

This was my solution to the problem and everyone loved it. Well, everyone except my office neighbor, J, who although NOT 100% ecstatic about it, agreed it would finally do the trick; which it did.  Well, most of the time. There was always the pleasure of hearing lots of people laugh at my sign, including some of its former victims:


About LVital7019

Just your normal, everyday 9-5er. An uninspiring position in an inspirational non-profit moves me to constant goof-offery; aimless, on-the-job procrastination; a crankiness that borders on psychosis; and attempting to craft something meaningful with words. Just another so-called-job inspiring someone to feats of insanity with a hint of creativity... (Insert demonic laugh HERE.) View all posts by LVital7019

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A child shattered, Life beyond..

Just because you don't see the struggle, doesn't mean someone isn't drowning.. Pain of the mind is worse than pain of the body.

Tony Single

artist. wastrel. a quantum of potential.

The Greenwich Village Literary Review

A magazine by writers who love to write for readers who love to read.

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