Will give advice in exchange for mini-marshmallows

Dear Freeta,

I don’t understand. What have I done to deserve the 22-y-o Cling-On (aka my son) who has lived with us for the past 8 years & plays XBox Live all day, can’t manage to wash a dish without leaving behind greasy residue & bits of food/soap and feels I should give him an “engraved invitation” to chip in around the house!? Shouldn’t he know what to do by now and JUST DO IT!? Please help (before I notify the “Federation” and declare an all-out war backed by “Star Fleet”)!

– Signed,
Setting Phasers to “STUN” (Not really!)

Dear Setting Phasers,

#1 – I thought we agreed on that half-pound bag of catnip in exchange for the invaluable advice.  Not even a single mini-marshmallow? What gives, woman!? We’ll get back to that since I know people up here in heaven now, so… first warning is all I’m sayin’.

#2 – Think back to when I was the adorable, quasi-feral kitten you loved & hated.  I peed in everything except my litter box. Even though I did you the honor of marking the shoes of that idiot ex-husband of yours with my pee-stink, you were still more frustrated than ecstatic with my dirty habit. (PS – You’re WELCOME!)

The day I ran away, even though YOU did silent fist-pumps (thanks a LOT; I’ll remember that…) your little Cling-On was heartbroken.  As the days went by, 3-y-o Cling-On’s grief became contagious and you started hearing my kitten-cries in your head.

*Just FYI, you do know that I was stuck up in that friggin’ tree behind the house the WHOLE time and the weak, mewling cries you actually heard were from EXHAUSTION and a touch of starvation because – HELLO! I couldn’t get down! By the way, that was BRILLIANT of you NOT to check the tree…. Just sayin’…

MOVING ON since this is not about me (ha ha) – the day I was found you all rejoiced.  I had almost given your mother a stroke by taking the death-defying risk of dropping myself off that tree-branch and onto her big ‘ol head, but you were happy nonetheless (hahaha! That was hilarious, right!?).  You even took extra-special care of me and showered me with kisses.  …After dumping me in the sink and torturing me with that bubbly “bath” crap. Ew!

You snuggled me in a towel and filled my empty belly. In about a week I went from Karen-Carpenter to chunky-but-funky!

So to wrap this up, you loved me in spite of this foulest of feline idiosyncrasies and in a few month’s time you took me to the vet, got me fixed and the pee-pee problem mysteriously ceased.

My advice? – GET THAT BOY NEUTERED!! Maybe then he’ll move out and/or miraculously become a neat-freak.

That’s about all I got – pay up, Lady!  Heaven is nice & all but the “catnip” up here is all “spiritual”, organic, dirt-shit.  How ’bout some primo-grade for your Fluff Muffin?

PS – I really miss the marshmallows.

Yours Truly,


About LVital7019

Just your normal, everyday 9-5er. An uninspiring position in an inspirational non-profit moves me to constant goof-offery; aimless, on-the-job procrastination; a crankiness that borders on psychosis; and attempting to craft something meaningful with words. Just another so-called-job inspiring someone to feats of insanity with a hint of creativity... (Insert demonic laugh HERE.) View all posts by LVital7019

5 responses to “Ask Freeta – 9-LIVES WORTH OF PROBLEMS: Vol 1

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Tony Single

artist. wastrel. a quantum of potential.

The Greenwich Village Literary Review

A magazine by writers who love to write for readers who love to read.

The Winter Bites My Bones

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