Recent comments over at fisticuffsandshenanigans, inspired me to disclose the details of a fantabulous certification that *place where I work* was duped into buying & implementing.
Allow me to explain…
*Place where I work* is a “Sanctuary Certified” agency. (Can you hear angels singing & feel the wispy breeze of their wings? Didn’t think so). We got a fancy-schmancy framed certificate and an icon for use on all the literature we mail.
Before you go getting all impressed & shit, everyone (well, except for maybe Edita for reasons that will soon be apparent) sucks teeth & rolls eyes in unison as we all agree (for once) that –
The Sanctuary Model is some imaginary, Fairy-Tale malarkey.
In brief – hot-shot psychiatrist collaborates with longstanding, hot-shot children’s agency to create a model for client treatment and everyday staff-practice.
To illuminate reality for just a sec, agency paid a boatload of money to a woman who sold “magic beans” to bigwigs at the DOE. Her (mainly BS) certification program was thereby sanctioned for sale to human-service & educational agencies all over the state, the country and pretty soon, the WORLD! (I recently read that it’s headed over to China).
My boss is pretty sure Dr. So-and-So is a bajillionaire at this point all from obtaining state sanctioning to re-teach already-licensed professionals basic crap they should have all learned in their 4-20 years at college.
Here I will illustrate some of what is entailed to obtain such a certification:
- Seemingly endless trainings for crap not even remotely applicable to my job. Like, how does “Preventing Triggers in OCD Children” apply to an accounting office? (Dr. So-and-So might have something here based on the maturity level & mental state of some of my coworkers… but that’s all you get, Doc!)
- We re-learn basic, common-sense, common-courtesy gems like, instead of asking “WTF is WRONG with you, DUMBASS!?”; replace your overtly confrontational tone with emoticrap like “Bill, what has happened to you <to make you SUCH a dumbass>!?” This comes with even more useless wisdom from Captain-Dr. Obvious, like not throwing your stapler or screaming like Gunnery Sergeant Hartman. *Apparently this behavior is not conducive to a calm, nurturing work environment. BOOO!
- Regular meetings are now armed with hippie-dippy Q&A i.e. “How are we all feeling today?”. *Our group favorite is, “If you were a bug/movie/cocktail/leaf/body part/holiday, what would it be?” This lasted long enough for the group eye-roll the day our lovely Director tried pulling that crap with a bunch of apathetic clerks, accountants & administrative assistants.
- BONUS: Everyone had to devise 5 strategies to de-stress when overwhelmingly neurotic, rage-inducing feelings dominate our work day. Someone bullies you? – Refer to the “SAFETY Plan” sticker on the back of your ID. Rules boxing you in? – Refer to your “SAFETY Plan” after making a big stink in HR which will result in your having a “stressful day”. Copier acting up? -“Safety Plan”. Still angsty over the final episode of Lost and/or the World Cup?? – “Safety Plan”, BITCHES!
*Genius, this is. Absolute GENIUS!
So how does one regulate an agency-implemented, staff-tailored plan of action for stress-relief? Wouldn’t limits on how one gets to their own private Idaho and the banning of certain comforts listed on one’s own “Safety Plan” be deemed “UN-Sanctuary” just on the basis of this bullshit “Sanctuary Model”??
So, for all intents & purposes this means that I can now –
- Meander to the duck-pond and rile up all the geese
- Go to cafeteria for “”coffee”” AND a 10-50 minute snooze at a quiet table
- Get hopped-up on “”chocolate”” behind my closed office door
- Chat M up about how work sucks for half an hour
- Get the intern to “help me” with my work
- Incessantly pop bubble-wrap for shits & giggles (Jar Jar does this)
(Dude, you really didn’t expect me to pick just FIVE, did you!?)
The committee was NOT very specific as to whether we pick ONE plan strategy per psychotic stressful episode or not but you do see where this can lead. Just ask Edita.
And to think – Dr. So-and-So probably wouldn’t have gotten to see the Wizard at the D.O.E. with a training called, “How to Treat Clients & Coworkers NOT Like a Raging Neanderthal” or “Common-Sense Humanity & Lessons in POLITE for Fucktards”.
*Officially speaking, “sparring matches” & “pig wrestling” had to be banned from all Safety Plans. Better if you don’t ask. 😉