I’m Farmer Ted…

The other night I was pleased to catch a bit of one of my all-time favorite, geek-girl, plain-Jane movies of all times: “16 Candles“.  One of the BEST scenes is when Jake wades through the wreckage of his home, post-party melee, and discovers Farmer Ted “trapped” under a glass coffee table.  It always cracks me up, but this time the usual ha-ha & fond reminiscence kind of disintegrated…

I realized that THIS IS MY LIFE in a crushed nutshell; under the refuse-topped, soda-and-booze-encrusted, pretzel-caked ruins of what was probably an expensive, Tiffany’s Home Furnishings, beveled-glass coffee table.  It’s kind of pathetic…You see, Farmer Ted’s panic-attack – though high-LARIOUSLY and expertly played – isn’t really worthy of our sympathy.  Sure, most of us can relate on some level to his sad, underdog dweebiness but, DUDE, you COULD have just rolled out from underneath the damn coffee table… AmIRIGHT!??

Ok, so we’ll have to allow him his fear of being mashed by an obvious jock in retribution for (some of) the catastrophic mess. After all F.T. does resemble those ads in the back of old comic books where slight, underfed, brittle-looking stick-dude at the beach gets sand kicked in his face in front of his gal.  We don’t see until afterwards that Farmer Ted’s fear is completely overblown because Jake is a genuinely nice guy… and kind of a babe, too, but I digress…

My life currently feels like the aforementioned coffee-table grime scene.

Technically there is a choice here – to leave a soul-wrecking, dead-end job; to go back to school; to maybe even publish an ACTUAL BOOK. But the goal-crushing potential consequences of most of these choices feels like trying to eat Jello with a straw – not 100% impossible but likely capable of inducing an asthma attack; or culminating in choking.

For example – I can’t really afford to take the Coordinator job I recently applied for (it’s almost $2 less per hour but I’m tempted…) and I really can’t afford to go back to school.  Mainly for lack of actual money and reduced credit limits (did anyone else know they can do that!?), but also for lack of a CLUE as to what courses to take.  And time – I do somehow manage to enjoy my free time despite the absence of recreation funds.

Basically, I am bullied by my own FEAR – of being broke, of being a failure, of missing out on stuff by “wasting time”.  Sort of makes me want to vanish like Head-Gear over here does…

So, how do I overcome? How do I stagger onward and “go for MINE”? How do I make what would be most fulfilling – defeating this psyche-devouring beast of a job and publishing that book – actually HAPPEN?

Actually, I have not a clue.  We seriously cannot afford a pay cut, but IF I took that other job it would surely come with a good amount of overtime….

Hubby says go for it, but do I leave a familiar Hell where I am Satan’s skulking, defeated expert to dive into something unknown?  The Coordinator position seems like a blissful (& FUN!) change of pace but could it just turn out to be even more exhausting and hellish!?? Probably not but anxiety sets my auto-default strategy to completely hedging my bets. AKA being a total coward…

IF the Housekeeping Director said what I THINK she said (about the hourly pay), then I would make the jump and ROCK THE SOCKS OFF of that Coordinator job!

But for now it’s back to Farmer Ted… *panicked look* *bangs on glass*

JAAAAAAAAAKE!!!

Decisions SUCK!

Seriously, though – I don’t need a six-figure salary or a mansion or a luxury car or cotillion clothing – just a small measure of fulfillment and the means to further enjoy my life.  So give me the CD or DVD for this classic and press ‘play’ until I figure out where the heck I need to go from here…

Oh, and don’t forget to blow out all those damn candles! No need to start a fire up in here!  I can’t afford a new house (unless the insurance settlement really pays out!)  😉

(Did I mention I’m selling stuff from my closet on Tradesy?? Help me out, y’all… I could really use the money! Oh!  And check out my Zazzle shop for a small souvenir!!)