Here I am AGAIN – up at an ungodly hour making me want to rip out my own brain stem and beat you with it. On any normal weekday at 4:00 A.M., my movie-dreams have faded into complete, blissful unconsciousness. You flying nihilistic ink-stains are nuking our blissful unconsciousness; mutating us into rage-fueled kill-mongers, putting you on the top of our List of Reasons for Getting a Shotgun.
This sucks major ass because I love animals and would (normally) do anything to keep my husband from pelting you in the fucking eye with his CO2 pellet-gun. Startle us awake at 4AM with that abominable racket and PETA can kiss my ass!!
That’s right, my fine, feathered fuckwads. I mean YOU – the most appallingly non-melodic genus of anything entirely undeserving of the name “bird”.
Birds are attractive, delicate creatures with fancy, colored plumage endowing the human race with sweet music and adorable anthropomorphic penguin movies. Birds wake the world gracefully with a gentle song starting right before the sun comes up. Like nature fucking intended.
You guys are fucking atrocious at your job. As a matter of fact, you’re all fucking FIRED from whatever it is you’re supposed to be doing in the natural world!! Because – you have the saddle-sized balls to be skillfully strategic with your sociopathic screeching. Weekdays, it’s before the light of dawn. Weekends, you bastards wake us before we can even sleep in lazily until 9!
Da FUCK you THINKING???
I don’t know what in the sevenhells you guys are doing directly across the street from our bedroom windows, or in the trees RIGHT NEXT TO our house but break it the fuck up! Find somewhere else to hold your mating orgies, or your territorial gang-fight, or your AmeriCrows Got Talent competition, your horror-movie tryouts or your weekly drug-fueled rave in honor of Brandon Lee!
Otherwise the next time my husband storms outside in his boxer shorts to shake you the fuck out of your fucking tree I’ll make sure to be looking out my window with my night-vision rifle when you fuckers fly off.