Here I am AGAIN – up at an ungodly hour making me want to rip out my own brain stem and beat you with it. On any normal weekday at 4:00 A.M., my movie-dreams have faded into complete, blissful unconsciousness. You flying nihilistic ink-stains are nuking our blissful unconsciousness; mutating us into rage-fueled kill-mongers, putting you on the top of our List of Reasons for Getting a Shotgun.
This sucks major ass because I love animals and would (normally) do anything to keep my husband from pelting you in the fucking eye with his CO2 pellet-gun. Startle us awake at 4AM with that abominable racket and PETA can kiss my ass!!
That’s right, my fine, feathered fuckwads. I mean YOU – the most appallingly non-melodic genus of anything entirely undeserving of the name “bird”.
Birds are attractive, delicate creatures with fancy, colored plumage endowing the human race with sweet music and adorable anthropomorphic penguin movies. Birds wake the world gracefully with a gentle song starting right before the sun comes up. Like nature fucking intended.
You guys are fucking atrocious at your job. As a matter of fact, you’re all fucking FIRED from whatever it is you’re supposed to be doing in the natural world!! Because – you have the saddle-sized balls to be skillfully strategic with your sociopathic screeching. Weekdays, it’s before the light of dawn. Weekends, you bastards wake us before we can even sleep in lazily until 9!
Da FUCK you THINKING???
I don’t know what in the sevenhells you guys are doing directly across the street from our bedroom windows, or in the trees RIGHT NEXT TO our house but break it the fuck up! Find somewhere else to hold your mating orgies, or your territorial gang-fight, or your AmeriCrows Got Talent competition, your horror-movie tryouts or your weekly drug-fueled rave in honor of Brandon Lee!
Otherwise the next time my husband storms outside in his boxer shorts to shake you the fuck out of your fucking tree I’ll make sure to be looking out my window with my night-vision rifle when you fuckers fly off.
I see bullets in your future… (Photo credit J.M. Garg)
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WTF Elsewhere 
September 13th, 2014 at 04:20
Isn’t that line from the movie Johnny Dangerously?
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September 13th, 2014 at 10:24
LOL Pretty sure it is. 🙂
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September 13th, 2014 at 11:11
Wait – is that plagiarism? (Was just trying not to be less profane in the title!)
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September 13th, 2014 at 14:40
Nash, just clever.
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September 14th, 2014 at 14:38
Why, thanks! 10 points for guessing the flick where Mr Crow got his song lyrics… 😉
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September 13th, 2014 at 11:59
You have my deepest sympathies! We live in South Florida and are privileged to have invited thousands of immigrants from a number of countries to move into our quiet low key neighborhoods. Amazingly, they don’t know our local laws about keeping livestock . One of these new neighbors kept chickens and roosters, who kept getting out of whatever constraints they were in, and traversed the few blocks between us.
Because we have 2 indoor cats, they chose our house to feed at, making the cats more nutzoid then usual. Within 2 weeks, our lawn was shredded and between the hours of 3AM and 6AM EVERY DAY, the rooster felt it was his duty to inform everyone of the time. Just as you were getting back to sleep – there he’d go again!
The police laughed when I called to complain, and they told me to find hte neighbor and they would talk to them. Right. Because I want people to know I called the police on them. Then I innocently asked that if they were on my property, did that make them mine (pictures of roasted chicken dancing in my head…..).
Eventually, someone (else) did something because there were no more morning serenades and my grass started coming back.
Good luck with the BB gun!
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September 13th, 2014 at 13:29
Hi, Barbara! Wow. I feel ya with the cat thing – we had one up until a couple years ago (Freeta) whose gift giving used to coincide with Mother’s Day & Father’s Day respectively. Never anything bigger than a vole, thankfully.
There is one neighbor down the road with chickens and Putnam County NY now has a southern transplant in our midst – black vultures. They were pestering the animals where I work so we got a license to shoot them when the fake dead ones didn’t work their deterrent magic.
At least your cats are having fun! 🙂
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September 13th, 2014 at 14:07
Define fun. They were tearing things up, running from one room to the next looking out the windows while the
chickens were shaking their tail feathers at them!
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September 13th, 2014 at 14:18
Ah – I mistakenly assumed you had “outside” cats. Freeta was a rescued stray and lived almost the entirety of her life as an “inside” cat in my Brooklyn apartment. When we moved to Putnam County we let her live out her “retirement” as an indoor/outdoor cat.
Freeta used to do the exact same thing in the apartment since the strays outside liked to congregate on top of the old station wagon in the alley right outside my bedroom window. This was Freeta’s territory and she didn’t take too kindly to that…
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September 13th, 2014 at 18:31
I don’ know which is worse – horney feral cats meowing all night keeping you up or birds cawing before sunrise, waking you up!
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