The Weird One

Hey, I’ve missed you guys.  Winter SUCKS and I’ve been kind of neglectful here… hopefully, things will perk up shortly.

Just in case you’re a new reader, I’ve gone through enough horrible boyfriends and an ex-husband from hell to fill at least five Lifetime movies. I’ll wait while you read and recover…

Some of us might be tempted to look back and say, “UGH! I can’t believe I let so-and-so talk me into a threesome with his friend GEORGE!”, (for the record I did NOT, I repeat: DID NOT go through with that one) completely regretting the bad choices made in our pasts.  My take on regret is – had I never married husband #1, swallowed idiocy and horrid behavior for 7 whole years of my life, struggled with mooches and bad-boys and the occasional lunatic, I might never have met… “The Weird One”.

There are things which will follow that you might find shocking. Some things you read here you will NOT be able to unread.  Other things you might find completely hilarious but you will most likely find this quite troublesome.  It would most definitely disturb my mother… If you think you can take it by all means, read on.

Before one of my first movie-dates with this “Weird One”, we got into a lengthy email-flirtation.  The subjects of discussion were my hairstyle and his eagerness to see me in shorty pigtails and which shoes I’d be wearing for the date.  It culminated in my either threatening or offering to wear slip-ons to the movies.  I know – shocking. Also kind of weird… my hair was hardly long enough for pigtails.  😛

My experiences with Weird One managed to escalate in the level of “strange” from his somewhat innocently slipping my shoes off at the movies to massage my socked feet to paying my feet ALL KINDS of weirdo attention.  EVERY single time we got together.

The unorthodox attention to my lower extremities included but was definitely not limited to: tickling, kissing, lotion massages (which were AWESOME!), sucking on individual toes (NOT for the faint-of-heart nor shy-of-foot), the application of dessert-y foodstuffs to said toes & feet, requests for me to stand in various sweets for him to have the pleasure of cleaning them off, taking pictures of my feet in attractive poses and some outre science-experiment stuff involving other mediums like mud and, …yeah, let’s just stick with mud for now.

Honestly, this is entirely my Grandpa Murray’s fault.  When I was little he got me way too comfortable with the idea of him cracking my little toes. My mother and my aunt both hated this practice to the point of running away screaming when they were young girls.

Since I was pretty much born to LOVE most everything my mother hates, there was nothing more fun to me than jumping up onto the sofa next to Grandpa at his invitation to put my feet on his knee.  He was free to do his thing; much to my mother’s protest and ultimate shock & disgust.

Maybe if you weren’t so opposed to such things, Mom… I’d never have gone through all this!

To be 100% honest, the science experiment-stuff was kinda fun.  Better than Truth-or-Dare since it had all the “DARE” anybody ever wanted! And I managed to learn some interesting things from these experiences.

What did I learn?  Well, here’s the short list:

  1. Some men love feet so much that they will lick the mud right off them.
  2. My feet are frickin’ adorable!
  3. There was nothing I could dare this guy to lick off my feet that he wouldn’t. (I am NOT an “unclean” type of kooky so let’s not get crazy here.)
  4. Some guys will say they hate “mushy” foods like bananas, pudding & oatmeal but will dive right in if it’s on your foot.
  5. Garden slugs have an analgesic effect similar to Orajel. Yes – EXACTLY what you’re thinking… (see #3 & #1)

Hey, don’t blame me for number 4! He led with “I’m gonna put something on your feet without you seeing it and you have to guess what it is”.  I was helpless against that challenge and by that point in our relationship it was pretty obvious that any and all harm would be on him so… don’t judge!  In case you’re curious, slugs feel like cold honey dripping in the wrong direction.


We were actually together longer than any of my previous crazy boyfriends.  My friends were right in a way when they predicted that I’d meet “some weirdo” via the online site I was using at the time.  They said I was crazy for even considering meeting this guy; and I pretty much was if you think about it…

Eventually I got worn out by the weekend foot frolicking, the tickle-torture, the trying to hold slippery things like banana chunks between my toes to feed him.  It really was all a bit too much so I did something that I never thought I’d ever do – I really did go “all out”…

And I married him!  I guess I was crazy… 😉  (Because he’s not right in the head. Nor am I; and this is why….!)

He took this photo!

And he took this photo which is for sale on certain items in my Zazzle shop! Just click the pic! 🙂

*Many thanks to Aussa and to Tony for encouragement & inspiration.  You guys rock!

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About LVital7019

Just your normal, everyday 9-5er. An uninspiring position in an inspirational non-profit moves me to constant goof-offery; aimless, on-the-job procrastination; a crankiness that borders on psychosis; and attempting to craft something meaningful with words. Just another so-called-job inspiring someone to feats of insanity with a hint of creativity... (Insert demonic laugh HERE.) View all posts by LVital7019

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Tony Single

artist. wastrel. a quantum of potential.

The Greenwich Village Literary Review

A magazine by writers who love to write for readers who love to read.

The Winter Bites My Bones

The Collected Poems of Dennis McHale: 1981-2016

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