So… WHERE’S the “Help”?

So hubby and I have been working with our mortgage lender to find a solution to modify our loan.  Right now we’re in a default situation. We can’t short-sell because where on God’s green Earth would we go with all the NO MONEY made on a short sale?? My Subaru is really not big enough to live in…

Our mortgage company’s registered trademark motto is let’s-just-say “IRONIC”: “Helping Homeowners is What We Do!”.  My husband and I currently fail to see an iota of “help” anywhere in this situation. Of course, this is just our opinion…

To explain – in October I was blocked from making my payment online. It was required I call the company, who outsources to a call-center in Mumbai. This is no less frustrating than, say, sawing one’s arm off with a makeup spatula.  Look, I really have no problem with India or its people but if there is a serious problem with a mortgage account should one NOT be able to speak to someone on this side of the pond (Ocwen is in Florida for Criminy’s sake!) who has immediate access to all the (correct!) details and recent notes on the account?

The outsourced agents NEVER HAVE ANY IDEA of the current status of anything.  It’s like Customer-Service Groundhog Day; but wayyy less entertaining and satirical.  Unless you count the one agent who inexplicably attempted to speak to me with a Texas accent which really made me completely fucking stabby.  Visions of wrapping the phone cord around his mocking little neck and choking the “Ma’am…” right outta him danced in my head; because WTF!?

Besides the previously mentioned annoyances, every single time we speak to them the agents sign off the exact, SAME WAY –

“Please see the homepage of our website where you can find helpful links to services and state agencies in your area who provide financial assistance”.


My point is, you really are not “helping homeowners” by saying the same thing to them over and over and over and OVER.   “Please see our homepage for helpful links…(to shit we can’t even qualify for!)” can just kiss my perfect ass.  Thanks, Sanjay, but your “helpful links” only help to raise my blood pressure.  Oh, and my blood sugar.  Bonus!

Another bonus: To improve upon an already stress-inducing situation, our default amount has now increased by another two thousand dollars during all the “processing”.  During which time they outright refused to take any money from us that was less than the full amount due.

Recently, they reached a decision “in our favor”.  Some other Relationship Manager called to outline the terms for me.  I took notes.

Even. More. Bullshit.

You see, in a loan modification the interest rate gets reduced to make the monthly payments more affordable. Another proposal our Relationship Manager took to the underwriters was “Principal Forgiveness”. Not 100% sure about that one but she made it sound like either they just shave off the measly amount you owe OR they modify your principal balance using the current assessed value of our humble abode.

That sounds like potential actual help, right? But this isn’t what we got. We now have the pleasure of paying almost double the original monthly payment with the interest rate reduced by an eyeroll-worthy .125%.  That is POINT-1-2-5% in case it’s too microscopic for you.  But WAIT – this uh-MAY-zing rate is only for five years.  THEN, our interest rate goes up and the payment is even less affordable.

In case someone is a talented flipper who wouldn't mind splitting the profits...

In case someone is a talented flipper who wouldn’t mind splitting the profits…

So I’m thinking that this kinda/sorta sucks but it’s only until our default amount is paid off, right? Motherfucking NOPE.  That “deal” (aka Booby-Prize with a size-DD boob) is for the lifetime of the loan which terminates on September 1, 2025.

Can someone assist in pointing the “Help” out to me?, ’cause I sure as hell don’t fucking see it.  I thought “help” came in the oft-advertised form of “making your payments more affordable”.

But WAIT! It gets. Even. BETTER – our other “option” is to do a payment plan for the now-$7K+ we owe.  We just are not allowed to SEE the details of that “option” unless we DECLINE the modification.  And even more fantastic than that – if we don’t like the payment plan, we are not guaranteed to get the same loan modification nega-deal.

Am I on the motherfucking Price is Right?  So, you won’t sashay over & reveal what’s behind Door #2 unless I pass on the shitty prize you just presented to me with your magical, Zombie Vanna-White hand-wave!?? I don’t understand how are either of these an “option” if we can’t know the specifics of each.

Imagine living out real life this way – say your husband wants sex and you offer him 2 options the same way Ocwen is “offering” me 2 ways to pay off my loan debt.  Hubby will never know that he COULD potentially get a blow job unless he passes on the dry hump.  OR – maybe you offer him the blow job FIRST and then he passes on it because he thinks you might have something even BETTER under your skirt but then all he gets is the dry-hump with no guarantee that he can have the blow job back if he passes.  Good luck making it to your fifth anniversary…

So, Ocwen – WHERE is the fancy “Helping Homeowners” that you emblazoned at the top of your website?


But of course THIS is just my uneducated opinion.

Oh, wait – hold on!  I DO see how you’re “Helping Homeowners”.  It’s a lot like this:

“Helping Homeowners LINE OUR POCKETS is What We Do!”
“Helping Homeowners TO FINANCIAL RUIN is What We Do!”
“Helping Homeowners LOSE THEIR SHIT is What We Do!”
“Helping Homeowners FACE EVICTION is What We Do!”
“Helping Homeowners BUY US TIMESHARES is What We Do!”
“Helping Homeowners FEEL STABBY is What We Do!”
“Helping Homeowners GO OFF-GRID is What We Do!”

I’m pretty sure this is NOT the kind of help any homeowner in financial crisis is seeking. But that’s just my opinion.


About LVital7019

Just your normal, everyday 9-5er. An uninspiring position in an inspirational non-profit moves me to constant goof-offery; aimless, on-the-job procrastination; a crankiness that borders on psychosis; and attempting to craft something meaningful with words. Just another so-called-job inspiring someone to feats of insanity with a hint of creativity... (Insert demonic laugh HERE.) View all posts by LVital7019

9 responses to “So… WHERE’S the “Help”?

  • barbaramullenix

    After we declared bankruptcy in 2008, we started getting “This is not a bill” bills from our mortgage holder. Foolishly, we paid them anyway, just to show good faith. As our home business started to fold in on itself we decided to just quit paying the mortgage entirely & request modification of our loan. After MONTHS of form letter replies (we had already gone to “social” agencies to try to get help (unsuccessfully), we discovered our bank had sold our loan to some “brand X” lender. So we had to start this crap all over again. In the meantime, our State had started a program to help homeowners hold onto their homes. EXCEPT, after the test run in Podunk, Florida, it was already too late (too many months of not paying the mortgage). If the State (read Governor) hadn’t cocked around wasting time stating that HIS state wasn’t going to ask for Federal funds (WHY THE FUCK NOT YOU STUPID ASSHOLE?), so even though we were “perfect” for the program, we couldn’t get in. Eventually (after 2 years of not paying any mortgage AT ALL), they finally offered us the modification just like you were. But after all those months, even with a tiny lowered interest rate, the payments were going to be almost 3 times as much as originally paid. We finally got a “foreclosure” notice and were forced into a short sale. We DID NOT sign some form during our bankruptcy (Thank you, thank you, thank you), or we would have been required to pay THE DIFFERENCE between what the short sale was and what we originally owed. We were promised some few dollars after the close, but never saw it. We made the short sale company pay our Utilities bills or we were going to shut them off. It took nearly another 6 months to finally close, and thank goodness I had been saving the mortgage payments for the downpayments required for a rental (1st, last & 1 month security – ouch). In the end (at our age) it was finally a relief to be out from under the responsibilities of home ownership, but I still cried my eyes out when I left. We owned that house for 45 YEARS. But nobody could help us. Everybody was “so sad” for our dilemma. I don’t know how old you are, but sometimes it’s best to just kiss one dream goodbye and start another. For us, it was just peace of mind.

    Good luck and lots of love & fingers crossed for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  • thetattootourist

    Beyond bullshit – truly. I can’t help with the mortgage situation – I personally have to borrow money from my teenage daughter today to buy eggs (and her loan terms are fucking awful let me tell you) but I will give you a new business idea I cooked up that you can run with …”Dial-A-Bitch”. You have the unique ability to slice through BS and tell it like it is. Many people lack this crucial skill. I bet you can get telemarketers and customer service reps (who give a shit – not the bastards in charge of your loan who obviously don’t) to do your bidding. You make the calls/break-ups/tell-offs on behalf of the weaker folks who lack the nerve to unload in a thoughtful, expletive ridden manner. Charge like $9.99 per call. Probably make a million. Then you can fly to Mumbai and bitch-slap that “Texan” MF. better yet fly to corporate headquarters and gut punch the real source of the trouble.


  • barbaramullenix

    Just saw this great t-shirt. It reads, “Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.
    Something to dream about!.


  • Tony Single

    What. A. Nightmare. Seriously. 😦

    My mind gets all foggy whenever I read about this stuff. It’s just so god damn intimidating. How do you even navigate it all? It’s ridiculous the hoops you have to jump through for the dubious “reward” of even less help than before. I mean, that’s essentially what’s happening here, am I right? Crazy.

    And, yeah, apparently it’s a thing now that they give their employees over in India (or somesuch place) extensive training to lose their accents and adopt an American or Australian or whatever accent the majority of their clients happen to be. Even down to local colloquialisms and sayings and stuff. I kid you not!

    I don’t blame those people. They just want jobs too, so I can understand why they’ll work in a call centre putting up with the abuse of confused customers (not that I’m saying you’re abusing anyone, Lorien) for next to peanuts just to make ends meet. However, I DO blame the greedy corporations who make life next to impossible for all of us in order to line their own already well lined pockets. Outrageous.

    I sure hope you have some rich benefactor waiting in the wings to swoop in and save you guys. 😦


    • LVital7019

      Are you serious!? These guys are actually being encouraged by management to speak with put-on accents?
      I’m never abusive to someone that is just doing their job but that one nearly made me bite my own tongue in two. I have never, ever experienced that before but it just felt so extremely condescending and like utter mockery right off the bat.
      I promise I didn’t yell at the guy or use the “F” word. 😉


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Tony Single

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