They Seem to Forget About a Little Thing Called “Probability”

You might remember a little while ago being introduced to the bullshit I’ve been experiencing on LinkedIn.  Well, the “love” just keeps pouring into my InMail at the rate of no less than one per week; on average.  I’m such a popular girl…

But it is super fucking annoying.

Not to say that LinkedIn is the annoyance; they do serve their purpose… Which these fuckwits are ultimately taking advantage of for their nefarious purposes.

“But, Lorien – don’t you see that they are just poor, lonely slobs taking a chance on love when they see your entrancing, beautiful profile pic?”

“Couldn’t this just be an innocent misappropriation of LinkedIn’s services for the noble pursuit of finding a soul-mate??” 

Because NO

Because NO

← See here.

Not because I’m downtrodden or jaded by love, or the experience of looking for love.  I’m happily married, but THIS isn’t why I’m cynical…

I mean, you could believe that maybe ONE TIME some innocent guy “took a chance and decided to write to you” (the words of my husband the first time it happened) but the third time? The fourth??  The EIGHTH FRIGGIN’ TIME!!???  I don’t fucking think so, Desperados.

What do YOU fine folks think has a higher probability: That I am SO gosh darned BEAUTIFUL that droves of highly educated engineers and contractors, all owners of their own companies, just happen to:

  • All wanna know if I’m single?
  • Have similarly impressive credentials?
  • Make the same type of grammatical and spelling errors?
  • Lack a profile pic until I happen to accept their invitations to connect?
  • ALL put up a profile pic of themselves with young daughters?
  • Spell their own names wrong?? (Nice try C. “Shancez” – when I Googled this guy’s name & the name of his company he was C. Sanchez)

OR: That these guys are perhaps in reality the SAME guy?  Maybe they’re all part of a group of scammers, or a Russian mafioso, or WORSE, just hoping to fool enough vulnerable, desperate lonely hearts to get themselves a green-card? Or money…  I heard that a friend of a friend got harassed for cash or somesuch nonsense.

The first one who got my husband all sympathetic to his “plight” actually deleted his profile after my reply.  Mind you, I did NOT tell him to FUCK the FUCK OFF but instead responded politely with friendly advice.  No, REALLY! – I urged him to be careful about using LinkedIn for a purpose other than that for which it was intended because the next woman he contacts might not be so nice and he could get reported.

So in light of the fact that yet another 2 InMails have arrived this past weekend, I have picked my favorite for you to peruse.  I am posting my response to his communication below it and will update IF he replies.

Cane him for grammatical skills unfit for a college graduate. *Click to enlarge*

Dear Perry:

After using at least 10 other profiles to contact me you finally hooked me with your charming 3-liner and a name that reminds me of doilies, dusty sofas and week-old chicken broth. What’s a highly educated professional like you doing looking for love on LinkedIn??  Quite bold, Sir; quite bold…  Alas, I must be honest and make a request – please count me in for whatever the scam is you’re running or I will report your LinkedIn-Lothario ass to the FBI and get your green-card revoked for life.  Peace out.  *My contract terms will be listed in the following email. Enjoy your day, friend.

There is a friend of mine whom I like to tease for overusing a story about being randomly treated to tanks of gasoline by “nice guys”.  Keeping with the thread of probability I’m currently stuck on – how many times would it be technically probable that an attractive friend gets four (that’s 4) random guys to spontaneously pay for her gasoline in the past 8 months?  Let’s keep the facts in mind:

  1. She never pumps her own gas.
  2. It was 2 or 3 different gas stations.
  3. It’s always $40 (that’s FORTY US-DOLLARS).
  4. It’s always after she’s had a bad day.
  5. Is she pretty enough? – YES
  6. Is she a nice enough gal to deserve such things? – YES

Soo… why am I hung up on her stories?  Firstly, how would one Hottie McYoungjack and 3 other middle-aged men even FIND her when she doesn’t even pump her own gas?  Second – seriously, HOW many times can this kind of thing happen to ONE PERSON!?

Well, come to find out on Facebook, after insisting she present camera proof OR take MY car whenever she fills up, it was only 3 times.  It goes something like this: Hottie McYoungjack was the only act of flirtatious generosity.  The other 2 are people she knows from local shops; one of whom she always treats to coffee & he happened to see her all upset over the weekend.

So I felt like a heel.  I mean, if she lights up Facebook for a minute and cheers herself up and gives all us cynical folk hope for the human race who is it hurting?

Let’s stick to outing my LinkedIn lovers and getting to the bottom of these WTF shenanigans! I mean, really – if they want to find a girlfriend or have an affair let them use eHarmony or Ashley Madison, or kick under the bathroom stall like everyone else! 😛


About LVital7019

Just your normal, everyday 9-5er. An uninspiring position in an inspirational non-profit moves me to constant goof-offery; aimless, on-the-job procrastination; a crankiness that borders on psychosis; and attempting to craft something meaningful with words. Just another so-called-job inspiring someone to feats of insanity with a hint of creativity... (Insert demonic laugh HERE.) View all posts by LVital7019

8 responses to “They Seem to Forget About a Little Thing Called “Probability”

Use your words...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Tony Single

artist. wastrel. a quantum of potential.

The Greenwich Village Literary Review

A magazine by writers who love to write for readers who love to read.

The Winter Bites My Bones

The Collected Poems of Dennis McHale: 1981-2016

%d bloggers like this: