…of the “Crockwen” Company:
You motherfuckers have prevented me from enjoying my evening bowl of Cinnamon Chex for the last fucking time. Allow me to explain my immediate and excessive use of profanity – you can thank your very own Agent #71212FUCKING9 for this since he repeatedly used vaguely negative innuendo during our March 25th telephone conference as to the status of our repayment plan; blaming this negative status on our not sending in the signed agreement document. Which, in case you’re too stupid to discern, is Total. Bullshit.
*I also feel compelled to blame his crybaby ass (and to apologize to my readers) for my writing an open-letter post. You either hate these fucking things or you love them – there is no in between.
If you happen to be a seasoned pro who doesn’t currently think the profanity is that excessive, just hold the fucking phone; or go fuck yourself with it. Your choice…
What was so gosh-darned unforgivable, you ask? Per our agreement I sent you greedy cunt-boulders a big, fat check; which your douche-twizzle A/R clerks did not hesitate for one second to cash right after ripping open the USPS Certified Mail envelope in which it was sent. The signed agreement document was in the same envelope because why the FUCK would it NOT be, you dipshits!? Plus, I have the hand-signed, green , USPS return-card to prove that you did indeed receive this document.
So guess, what? WE WIN. You assholes cashed the motherfucking check so ask any lawyer if our agreement is indeed VALID. And, if you insist that it’s NOT valid; or closed, or canceled; or however-the-fuck-ELSE Agent #71212FUCKING9 got this point across; then by all means feel free to send us back our money which for months you insisted that you’d refuse if it wasn’t the total amount in arrears. Which it wasn’t. So ask yourselves who’s wrong on THAT fucking count.
Continuing in my bulging vein of rage, Agent #71212FUCKING9 felt it was his duty as fill-in Account Manager (since ours was apparently too flipping busy) to take issue with my tone and my use of the aforementioned profanity. I’m sorry, Agent #71212FUCKING9, but thanks to your predecessors and the Account Manager who decided to pawn us off on YOUR stupid ass I have very little patience for twat-rockets these days. My husband has even less so you OWE me big-time for not handing him the phone.
So you forget how to handle a customer just because you decide it’s against your principles to have your virgin ears assaulted with language like, “Are you KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT!?” spoken in anger?
Allow yourselves to be instructed on the proper handling of human beings; specifically those that are currently in financial crises:
- You DO NOT, EVER, make it sound like you’re blaming the client for your staff mishandling a contract.
- You DO NOT, EVER, insinuate that our plan/agreement/contract is in any kind of jeopardy if WE don’t immediately fax/email you the aforementioned document that you idiotically claim not to have.
- You DO NOT, EVER, scold a client for becoming frustrated and/or intolerant of your bullshit intimidation tactics. It is not the client’s fault that your “scriptators” make all you money-humping robots follow the same prefabricated speeches.
- Get off your lazy, fat, moneyroll-fellating asses and rip YOUR OWN staff some new assholes for not immediately scanning/emailing/faxing the signed document to the appropriate party; aka our Account Manager.
- Fire your legal team since they did not specify which of the FIVE addresses on said document should NOT receive the signed agreement.
- You DO NOT, EVER, get to keep my money while saying our plan is canceled. Fuck that – I WILL lawyer the fuck UP!