This week I got my first ever negative performance review. It’s basically a wet sack of inarticulate, poorly recollected meanderings dribbling from the mind of a senile, inattentive old coot. Even though I’ve carefully drafted a perfect rebuttal, it hurts nonetheless.
So instead of losing my shit and countering his nonsensical statements with pointless rebukes like, “Maybe YOU should transfer over to Housekeeping since ALL Department Director jobs must also be the same if ‘Admin jobs are all the same’“, and, “You really should try shoving a memory stick into the ear that’s NOT sporting a hearing aid!”, I wrote this parody song inspired by my seven-year-plight. Please sing to the tune of “Creep” by Radiohead (provided below):
Since the day I was hired –
She’d say “Never look like you’re bored”
“Never look like there’s no work”
“Please look busy; I implore”
She screamed at me often
She cursed people out
She stomped up the staircase
She wielded her clout
She’s a rogue… (se-cre-tary)
What the hell is she doing HERE?
What has gone wrong here…
I don’t care if I’m caught
I wanna start a blog
I wanna be a writer
I wanna ditch this slog
Why haven’t they noticed,
That I’ve not much to do
Our boss is so senile…
He’s SO fucking senile!
I’ll soon go rogue… (se-cre-tary)
Why the hell am I working HERE?
My skills won’t get strong here…
She’s freaking out again,
She steals a password
She ain’t… no… mo-ther
Seven years all downtrodden
Seven years of this shit
She’s so fucking crazy
My boss’s memory is hazy…
So now I’m ROGUE… (se-cre-tary)
What the hell is left for me here?
Pretty sure I won’t be long here
My venom grew strong here
(I never belonged here)
That is all. In a large-ass nutshell. Sprinkled with crazy. I will now go light up this joint.
#1 – Firstly, who in the sevenhells are you trying to fool with that “77” nonsense. I know when you were born; I licked your drivers’ license… (heh heh)
#2 – Uh, nice song…(?) Mainly because I kinda remember you used to sing the radio version to me in more of an “I’m not singing TO you as much as I’m singing ABOUT you” kinda way. Yeah, fond memories. Grrrrrr….! Oh, sorry.
#3 – I hope you read this right away because it is SUPER IMPORTANT THAT YOU DO NOT light up ANY kind of joint; rage-inducing or otherwise. Think about it: Arson = TERMINATION (and jail); and Positive Drug-Test would also equal TERMINATION (despite certain things that are green & smell very nice being almost legal).
Sooo… as much as I hate being a hypocrite (lame!) and sounding like one of those PSA “Hugs not Drugs” things (lamer!), just don’t do it. Neither one, I mean. Nope. No arson and no… the “other thing”.
Oh, and it would be irresponsible of me to not recommend that you call the EAP hotline and find a suitable shrink. Take whatever they’re offering.
PS – I’ll share my primo catnip with you in around 50+ years when you get to Heaven.