Dear Freeta,
This week I got my first ever negative performance review. It’s basically a wet sack of inarticulate, poorly recollected meanderings dribbling from the mind of a senile, inattentive old coot. Even though I’ve carefully drafted a perfect rebuttal, it hurts nonetheless.
So instead of losing my shit and countering his nonsensical statements with pointless rebukes like, “Maybe YOU should transfer over to Housekeeping since ALL Department Director jobs must also be the same if ‘Admin jobs are all the same’“, and, “You really should try shoving a memory stick into the ear that’s NOT sporting a hearing aid!”, I wrote this parody song inspired by my seven-year-plight. Please sing to the tune of “Creep” by Radiohead (provided below):
“Rogue (Secretary)”
Since the day I was hired –
She’d say “Never look like you’re bored”
“Never look like there’s no work”
“Please look busy; I implore”
She screamed at me often
She cursed people out
She stomped up the staircase
She wielded her clout
[Chorus:]
She’s a rogue… (se-cre-tary)
What the hell is she doing HERE?
What has gone wrong here…
I don’t care if I’m caught
I wanna start a blog
I wanna be a writer
I wanna ditch this slog
Why haven’t they noticed,
That I’ve not much to do
Our boss is so senile…
He’s SO fucking senile!
[Chorus:]
I’ll soon go rogue… (se-cre-tary)
Why the hell am I working HERE?
My skills won’t get strong here…
Uh…oh
She’s freaking out again,
She steals a password
She ain’t… no… mo-ther
HEN!
Seven years all downtrodden
Seven years of this shit
She’s so fucking crazy
My boss’s memory is hazy…
So now I’m ROGUE… (se-cre-tary)
What the hell is left for me here?
Pretty sure I won’t be long here
My venom grew strong here
(I never belonged here)
That is all. In a large-ass nutshell. Sprinkled with crazy. I will now go light up this joint.
– Sincerely,
ROGUEADMIN77
Dear “”ROGUEADMIN””,
#1 – Firstly, who in the sevenhells are you trying to fool with that “77” nonsense. I know when you were born; I licked your drivers’ license… (heh heh)
#2 – Uh, nice song…(?) Mainly because I kinda remember you used to sing the radio version to me in more of an “I’m not singing TO you as much as I’m singing ABOUT you” kinda way. Yeah, fond memories. Grrrrrr….! Oh, sorry.
#3 – I hope you read this right away because it is SUPER IMPORTANT THAT YOU DO NOT light up ANY kind of joint; rage-inducing or otherwise. Think about it: Arson = TERMINATION (and jail); and Positive Drug-Test would also equal TERMINATION (despite certain things that are green & smell very nice being almost legal).
Sooo… as much as I hate being a hypocrite (lame!) and sounding like one of those PSA “Hugs not Drugs” things (lamer!), just don’t do it. Neither one, I mean. Nope. No arson and no… the “other thing”.
Oh, and it would be irresponsible of me to not recommend that you call the EAP hotline and find a suitable shrink. Take whatever they’re offering.
PS – I’ll share my primo catnip with you in around 50+ years when you get to Heaven.
Yours Truly,
=^..^=
June 26th, 2015 at 09:01
You should become a stand up comedian. You rock too hard to not be on stage. 😀
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June 26th, 2015 at 09:19
Glad you likey. 😉
At the current moment I am late for said job because of the worst timing for an insulin pump malfunction in the World History of Bad Timing. Ever.
Maybe #BradWilliams will see his name tagged on this post & rescue me from this wretchedness
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June 26th, 2015 at 09:20
Oh, P.S. – can’t “stage” without the proper training…. or meds. I’ve always had the most ridiculous stage-fright
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June 27th, 2015 at 19:49
I’m now retired, but I remember what it was like 9-5. Glad you’ve got a feline voice on your side. And a blog to spit it all out. It’s wise to listen to your alter ego. Besides, she’s pretty funny.:-)
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June 27th, 2015 at 19:53
Thanks so much, Erica! Alas, she isn’t with us anymore but she was such a character I couldn’t help but give her a place in my blog.
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June 27th, 2015 at 20:06
I’m sorry for your loss, but I see her spirit still lives with you and inspires you. Nice pic of her, and I like her line about how cats love small spaces.
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June 27th, 2015 at 20:14
Great song, by the way. I could see this becoming a musical….
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June 27th, 2015 at 22:41
Ha! I was actually planning a follow-up; or maybe I’ll pen a reply from the boss’s POV
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June 29th, 2015 at 13:20
I hope you’re having a better day today and are off to an interesting work week. At least, your daily work gives you inspiring ideas.
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June 29th, 2015 at 13:32
Thanks so much for the well-wishes. Today I really needed that. 🙂
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July 1st, 2015 at 09:39
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – they don’t deserve you. They really don’t. You are fucking fantastic and I know your job is shitsville but one day (sooner than you think) it will make great fodder for your back story. Every success story has to be birthed from some shithole experience right? So high-five those assholes at work and thank them for giving you such a huge incentive to keep being awesome. They will be minor walk in parts in the grand production of your life. xxoo
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July 1st, 2015 at 10:50
I hope I get to meet you one day so I can give you a big hug. I have “dropped it like it’s HOT” and have a pen & paper draft of my next installment in the adventures of Rogue Secretary! (Currently replying from my phone )
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July 18th, 2015 at 20:58
… you might be almost as weird as me…
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July 18th, 2015 at 21:50
I do aspire to greatness in that area 😉
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July 18th, 2015 at 22:00
Many people do, but not many can achieve it…
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