Mission…. Approaching Near-Impossible

Good morning, Candidate 50764 –

What you see before you is a list of tasks, with tools available for you to use to complete said tasks should any be required.  Your mission, should you choose to accept all the aggravation that comes with it as it sits, stays and stares like a drooling, demonic bonehead guard-dog, is to:

  • Accept any & all downgrades to your tasks; even if it makes you feel like you’re being treated like the Village Idiot
  • Resist the temptation to strangle Agent JJB; no matter how shrill and anal-retentive she is
  • *Resist the temptation to strangle Agent JJB since she is programmed to be as illogical as you are logical
  • Employ use of Senile-Boss tactic very sparingly; lest latent memory be suddenly triggered by low-battery warning from “personal, subsonic listening device
  • Despite poison in the well of work-ethic & initiative you were implanted with at Base, which will inevitably rear its ugly head the longer your tenure, FIND SOMETHING CREATIVE TO DO IN TIMES OF BOREDOM/DISSATISFACTION
  • DO NOT, I REPEAT – DO NOT abandon this mission after acceptance or face the consequences
  • In hard times, it helps to repeat this mantra: “kneel and swallow; errant cogs will destroy the machine”
  • Be sure to smile blankly, like everyone else does, every payday
  • DO NOT use aforementioned tools to build a hideout under your desk

As always should you or any member of the AA-Rogue Force be caught excessively surfing the net or pink-slipped the “Agency” will disavow any knowledge of you ever having cause to bitch, or send a certified sob-story to the Executive Director; or of that time you sped through the wrong exit before camp because the new crew of Internationals failed to keep traffic moving at 8:56 AM. Learn to deal with it.  This message will self-destruct in 5…

Mission: RUFKM!?

Mission: RUFKM!?

*smashes mini-cassette player under brand new platform sandals*

*lights joint*

*burns employee-ID with match*

*walks away holding good shoe in one hand, lit joint in the other*

…Trust me, there will not be 5-10 feckin’ sequels to THIS shit.


About LVital7019

Just your normal, everyday 9-5er. An uninspiring position in an inspirational non-profit moves me to constant goof-offery; aimless, on-the-job procrastination; a crankiness that borders on psychosis; and attempting to craft something meaningful with words. Just another so-called-job inspiring someone to feats of insanity with a hint of creativity... (Insert demonic laugh HERE.) View all posts by LVital7019

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