ARE YOU THERE, DREAM-JOB…? (an uncensored C.V.)

The past 17 years of professional residency in “9-5/regular job” hasn’t really translated to the fulfillment of ANY of my career dreams. Maybe, just maybe I’m looking in the wrong places. There don’t appear to be any Civil Service tests, Craigslist ads or friendly, old-fashioned Employment Agencies to be found which cater specifically to my skill-set.

Just in case you happen to be the recruiter for my yet-to-be-determined dream-job, I figured it would be a smart idea for me to itemize every valuable aptitude and achievement since embarking on this journey into 9-5 assimilation.

COPY EDITOR: For the past 3 years, I’ve been the go-to reviewer of emails, billing letter consultant and the occasional reviser of public-event brochures and flyers. It is not a myth – some people are actually smart enough to seek advice before clicking the reputation-demolishing “Send” button. (This took LOTS of work…)

POLICY ADVISER: All it took was a well-worded anonymous letter to our E.D. (via the campus suggestion box) to stay the manic hands of his secretary who had a penchant for smacking people to uphold the rules set forth in the Holy Handbook. He even read it out loud at his monthly coffee roundtable with staff. It was awesome…

PAPER-JAM EXPERT: If it’s a Xerox or Toshiba Print Suite then please, for the love of BOB, PLEASE – call me. I have small hands and an aptitude for following the paper trail in areas of these machines that all of you non-secretaries never even knew existed.

OFFICE BOOSTER-CLUB DIRECTOR: So I’m not really good at baking for an army of 20 BUT, assign me a birthday invitation-email or an interoffice “A.P.B.” for missing journal entries and I will rock your socks off! No prefabricated GIFs required as I am a master of Clip-Art in Word & Outlook. Don’t even ask what I can do with photos (see Animal Voices). I am currently on commission with the Farm & Wildlife Department to customize their upcoming office-birthday photos. I can impress; just ask me! Have you not seen my SIGNS?

WRITER-IN-RESIDENCE: I take every submission opportunity I can get my hands on. They want an article about our new phone system? – DONE! They need me to write a step-by-step for the intranet on how to properly fill out and submit a conference request?? – DONE!! There’s a call for submissions from the Founder for a new how-to book he’s compiling? YOU GOT IT!!

DATA-ENTRY WHIZ: I could do this all day. To me, there is nothing more relaxing than processing information from mountainous stacks of paper into a data-processing program. Tab, tab, tab; type, type, type; this is music to my ears. Seriously, hand it over and I’ll be more than happy to make it disappear. I will EVEN – and I am not even kidding – GO OVER IT AND MAKE MY OWN CORRECTIONS! Take a drink of water if that’s too overwhelming; slow, deep breaths!

HUG-THERAPIST: I have been sneak-attacked by some of our clients who live on campus full-time. They’ve come at me in the dining hall, on the trail and even in our offices. I never complain nor do I startle easily which is good when you consider the population we serve. It has been proven that hugs are mutually beneficial and good for all kinds of things like blood pressure and improvement of mood. Always good to ask permission first, but these are kids we’re talking about here so expect a sneak-attack now and then. It’s all good.

LIST OF ACCOMPLISHMENTS & PROUDEST MOMENTS:

  • Published author: 1980-Writing-contest winner of a spot on Nickelodeon’s “Kids’ Writes” (sorry, I can’t find the Nick TV archives link anymore but I still have the dictionary with my misspelled name inscribed on the inside cover); 2000-T.O.N.Y. Essay-contest winner entitling me to a special-guest spot at a movie screening and Q&A (I missed this event because of my crazy Greek ex); 2008-T.O.N.Y. haiku-contest winner of goodie package.
  • Soon-to-be officially published author (previously mentioned How-to book).
  • Awarded “Mention of Merit” – long story short: the E.V.P. at a former job wasn’t much for words but sent out an all-users email acknowledging my calm & professional handling of the thousands of calls flooding my post at the company switchboard on 9/11/01.
  • Quick promotion – (Secretary to Coord. of Volunteer Svs.) Though the circumstances which enabled this include 1 verbally abusive former Director (pretty sure there was a last-straw moment somewhere “upstairs”); my calm patience & loyalty to the department and, ultimately, budget cuts I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t have asked me to step up if they didn’t think I could handle it.
  • Praise from the Director of Development (part of the How-to book committee) on my writing. *I would love to impress on a regular basis…
  • Being able to witness the positive effects of my writing on people like the Accounting Manager who tells me all the time that I’m in the wrong profession.
  • Being asked by secretaries in other department to create my trademark, customized “comics” using the photos they supply me.
  • Making people laugh during a stressful work day.

If you are the owner of a publishing house; or a hiring manager at an advertising agency, an entertainment group, a fun magazine, a farm & wildlife center, a circus; or if you are a comedian, a rapper or you are the one and only Morrissey – PLEASE drop me a line!

PS – Maybe I should name a few things to demonstrate my willingness to go above and beyond. Here are a few things that are out of the ordinary which I will do for a paycheck:

• I will trim your bangs – I used to have a cosmetology license and it’s just like riding a bike…

• I will help you make a t-shirt for your kid with Sharpies (I’ve actually done this).

• I will lend you my size 7 shoes; male or female – I don’t judge!

• I will get you fresh fertilizer from the llama pen (this I have also done).

• I will braid or otherwise style your hair for the annual Christmas party AND I will paint your face for Halloween *with overtime if these events fall outside normal business hours.

• I will send you pictures of my feet; clean, dirty, in any kind of shoe, barefoot, with polish or without; you name it. This will, of course, cost you extra. In cash. Seriously, email me – I could use the extra income… 😉

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13 responses to “ARE YOU THERE, DREAM-JOB…? (an uncensored C.V.)

  • REDdog

    I want to create some kind of business just to hire you…now, to find some llamas.

    Like

    • LVital7019

      Hahahaha! Be warned – their poop is super-stinky. Great for the garden, though.

      Like

    • LVital7019

      PS – Be sure to keep me updated on the business of the Business. I’ve always dreamed of calling in “never coming back”. 😉

      Like

      • REDdog

        Oh yes, there’s no better feeling than looking a boss in the eye and telling them you’re outta there…I’ve quit dozens of jobs, mostly blowing that bridge up behind me.

        I’ve been doing some checking and it turns out there’s not much of a need for llama poo collections around here so it looks as though I’ll have to tap into one of your other skills…maybe there’s a market for hug therapy? Stay tuned.

        Like

      • LVital7019

        Cool! I just pasted a sign to the front of my desk offering them for free…I’ll use it as training.

        That’s an actual “thing” y’know – Google “cuddle buddies”. They’re not hiring in my area, though; I asked. 😦

        Like

      • REDdog

        Right! So how would you charge for the service? Rent a cuddle buddy for a period of time, like a hooker say, or charge by the cuddle? Hmmm, so many unanswered questions…

        Like

  • REDdog

    Went over to Tattoo Tourist, nice work and a lovely tribute to your Father, Lorien, well done.

    Like

    • LVital7019

      Thanks, REDdog. Cuda does great black & gray work. Had I the funds to do so, I’d add more art to the arm & possibly elsewhere.
      PS – Snuggle Buddies get $30/hr + travel reimbursement. I can’t find their other link but they offer their foot “therapists” $45/hr + travel. Apparently they were getting lots of alternative requests from their client-base. 😉

      Like

  • thetattootourist

    Damn – your skill set rocks! I am especially interested in the party hair styling and Halloween face painting – your talents are being wasted at your job!

    Like

    • LVital7019

      My friend from Purchasing asked for a waterfall-braid for the company Christmas party last year. I’m reasonably skilled at Halloween makeup and have been DYING to try out that Sylvia Ji-style Day of the Dead makeup. Basically, I hate my job THAT MUCH and effort to do ANYTHING BUT (my job) during my stay here from 9-5. 😉 Glad you stopped by!

      Like

  • Tony Single

    If I ever work up the courage to become a stand up comedian, I want YOU to be my agent. We share a similar sense of humour for a start, and your skill set impresses the hell out of me! My skill set on the other hand? Yeah… let’s not go there. Let’s just say that I’m an amazing scribbler, serviceable at eating and sleeping, okay in the breathing department, and godawful at everything else and leave it at that. (Your feet must be truly impressive. You should try being a foot model!) 😛

    PS: Oh, and I see that you’ve included me on your blog roll. I am truly honoured, and am currently wriggling in my seat with excitement, clapping and squealing like a little girl. (I have no dignity.) I guess this means I get to include you on my Links page too, huh? Awesome! (Is there a particular image you’d like me to use?) 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • LVital7019

      Although I do appreciate your offer, that fancy little widget on my site puts the thumbnails of whatever blog posts I’ve recently read. Makes it easier and let’s you nice folks spy on me a bit. You can use whatever you like but don’t feel like you have to. 🙂

      I’d LOVE to be your agent! I’d even help you write your material. Anything to compete with Jim Jeffries – he’s feckin’ hilarious. I can’t even watch comedy since we watched Bare a couple weeks ago. Ugh! LOL

      Like

    • LVital7019

      I mean, Jim Jefferies is a turd! No really – his comedy is complete shite… Uh, I only follow him on Twitter because he’s so bloody awful! You and I are probably wayyy funnier. Yeah, that’s it… 😉

      Like

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