ARE YOU THERE, DREAM-JOB…? (an uncensored C.V.)

The past 17 years of professional residency in “9-5/regular job” hasn’t really translated to the fulfillment of ANY of my career dreams. Maybe, just maybe I’m looking in the wrong places. There don’t appear to be any Civil Service tests, Craigslist ads or friendly, old-fashioned Employment Agencies to be found which cater specifically to my skill-set.

Just in case you happen to be the recruiter for my yet-to-be-determined dream-job, I figured it would be a smart idea for me to itemize every valuable aptitude and achievement since embarking on this journey into 9-5 assimilation.

COPY EDITOR: For the past 3 years, I’ve been the go-to reviewer of emails, billing letter consultant and the occasional reviser of public-event brochures and flyers. It is not a myth – some people are actually smart enough to seek advice before clicking the reputation-demolishing “Send” button. (This took LOTS of work…)

POLICY ADVISER: All it took was a well-worded anonymous letter to our E.D. (via the campus suggestion box) to stay the manic hands of his secretary who had a penchant for smacking people to uphold the rules set forth in the Holy Handbook. He even read it out loud at his monthly coffee roundtable with staff. It was awesome…

PAPER-JAM EXPERT: If it’s a Xerox or Toshiba Print Suite then please, for the love of BOB, PLEASE – call me. I have small hands and an aptitude for following the paper trail in areas of these machines that all of you non-secretaries never even knew existed.

OFFICE BOOSTER-CLUB DIRECTOR: So I’m not really good at baking for an army of 20 BUT, assign me a birthday invitation-email or an interoffice “A.P.B.” for missing journal entries and I will rock your socks off! No prefabricated GIFs required as I am a master of Clip-Art in Word & Outlook. Don’t even ask what I can do with photos (see Animal Voices). I am currently on commission with the Farm & Wildlife Department to customize their upcoming office-birthday photos. I can impress; just ask me! Have you not seen my SIGNS?

WRITER-IN-RESIDENCE: I take every submission opportunity I can get my hands on. They want an article about our new phone system? – DONE! They need me to write a step-by-step for the intranet on how to properly fill out and submit a conference request?? – DONE!! There’s a call for submissions from the Founder for a new how-to book he’s compiling? YOU GOT IT!!

DATA-ENTRY WHIZ: I could do this all day. To me, there is nothing more relaxing than processing information from mountainous stacks of paper into a data-processing program. Tab, tab, tab; type, type, type; this is music to my ears. Seriously, hand it over and I’ll be more than happy to make it disappear. I will EVEN – and I am not even kidding – GO OVER IT AND MAKE MY OWN CORRECTIONS! Take a drink of water if that’s too overwhelming; slow, deep breaths!

HUG-THERAPIST: I have been sneak-attacked by some of our clients who live on campus full-time. They’ve come at me in the dining hall, on the trail and even in our offices. I never complain nor do I startle easily which is good when you consider the population we serve. It has been proven that hugs are mutually beneficial and good for all kinds of things like blood pressure and improvement of mood. Always good to ask permission first, but these are kids we’re talking about here so expect a sneak-attack now and then. It’s all good.

LIST OF ACCOMPLISHMENTS & PROUDEST MOMENTS:

• Published author: 1980-Writing-contest winner of a spot on Nickelodeon’s “Kids’ Writes” (sorry, I can’t find the Nick TV archives link anymore but I still have the dictionary with my misspelled name inscribed on the inside cover); 2000-T.O.N.Y. Essay-contest winner entitling me to a special-guest spot at a movie screening and Q&A (I missed this event because of my crazy Greek ex); 2008-T.O.N.Y. haiku-contest winner of goodie package.
• Soon-to-be officially published author (previously mentioned How-to book).
• Awarded “Mention of Merit” – long story short: the E.V.P. at a former job wasn’t much for words but sent out an all-users email acknowledging my calm & professional handling of the thousands of calls flooding my post at the company switchboard on 9/11/01.
• Quick promotion – (Secretary to Coord. of Volunteer Svs.) Though the circumstances which enabled this include 1 verbally abusive former Director (pretty sure there was a last-straw moment somewhere “upstairs”); my calm patience & loyalty to the department and, ultimately, budget cuts I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t have asked me to step up if they didn’t think I could handle it.
• Praise from the Director of Development (part of the How-to book committee) on my writing. *I would love to impress on a regular basis…
• Being able to witness the positive effects of my writing on people like the Accounting Manager who tells me all the time that I’m in the wrong profession.
• Being asked by secretaries in other department to create my trademark, customized “comics” using the photos they supply me.
• Making people laugh during a stressful work day.

If you are the owner of a publishing house; or a hiring manager at an advertising agency, an entertainment group, a fun magazine, a farm & wildlife center, a circus; or if you are a comedian, a rapper or you are the one and only Morrissey – PLEASE drop me a line!

PS – Maybe I should name a few things to demonstrate my willingness to go above and beyond. Here are a few things that are out of the ordinary which I will do for a paycheck:

• I will trim your bangs – I used to have a cosmetology license and it’s just like riding a bike…

• I will help you make a t-shirt for your kid with Sharpies (I’ve actually done this).

• I will lend you my size 7 shoes; male or female – I don’t judge!

• I will get you fresh fertilizer from the llama pen (this I have also done).

• I will braid or otherwise style your hair for the annual Christmas party AND I will paint your face for Halloween *with overtime if these events fall outside normal business hours.

• I will send you pictures of my feet; clean, dirty, in any kind of shoe, barefoot, with polish or without; you name it. This will, of course, cost you extra. In cash. Seriously, email me – I could use the extra income… 😉