Deed to Doghouse With a Catfood Pantry

Last week was one of definitive FUCKED-UPPEDNESS (work with me, people; I’m in a “state”).

First off, one of 2 internal jobs I applied for turned me down. 😦  I’m happy for the person who got it since she’s genuinely awesome.  But on a selfish note, it kinda sucks for me. Again. Rejection sucks; even if you’re realistic in your expectations…

My luck department #2 will pick me, forcing my internal clock to be readjusted to “ass-crack of dawn”. No way I  can turn this down, though –  it’s like a triage-assistant for campus nurses (exciting)! What really *rocks* is that I’d be on my way home by 3:00.  My weekday hang-time would definitely NOT be rockin’ around the clock but I’d be chillin’ like the chicks from Mendo-Licious by Friday night… right after my 4-hr nap.

What else chugged Bitter Dregs last week? A longtime friend of over 25 years dumped me. For like the hundredth time. Oh, that? It’s like a pattern of his. For some utterly ridiculous reason he blows shit up, walks away, lets the debris scatter and then leaves me to deal with it for the next 6-9-12-48 months before he finally reaches out and apologizes for being a total dick.

This time it will probably stick since per his Highness:

  • I am annoying as fuck because I don’t obey the (imaginary? unspoken?) laws of Twitter Etiquette
  • I make him sick because…
    • I am not honest about who/what I am*
    • All I do is complain
    • I think everyone around me is at fault
    • Ergo, I am that “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong” you’ve heard about; and to top it off…
    • I wear hideous boots.  Which is a joke only he will get so… you’re welcome.

Inspired by “friend” this will be a moral inventory of all of my faults. Ok, not all; just the ones he ditched me over…

Twitter Mega-brat:

(Click to scroll & read) You could say this is kind of antagonistic. To crybabies. 😥 Ok, I’m an asshole…

In denial about my “True Self”:
(*Really!? This is not The Crying Game…) See above and following: So sue me; I mess with people who try to pin me down with fake rules and censorship on social media. I may also have unrealistic expectations for certain folk to contain a sense of humor. You’ll see what I mean in a minute…

My blog is for complaining about everyone around me:
It is called a “humor blog”. Yes, I complain about annoying shit but who on this earth doesn’t!? Venting serves a healthy psychological purpose. It is also funny as shit if done properly. “Funny” is also very beneficial to human health so I’m probably curing a bunch of shit with my comedy… You’re welcome *drops mic*

I think everyone else around me is at fault:
Apparently I never own up to being wrong about anything. If you comprende el sarcasmo and the English language well enough you will notice that my own choices are what brings me to bitch, moan, mock and also – *drum roll* – Self-Deprecate.

If I harm or offend or go a bit overboard, like last year with an accidental button-click in the first draft of this post, I am the first to notice and apologize. Ask my husband. No need to get all judge-y.


My aim is never to do outright harm. But I may have pushed “friend” over the edge, earning myself a spot in the aforementioned doghouse with the following stunt.

Cut to late Tuesday morning when my phone finally quit blowing up. Since I am stubborn as SHIT (ANOTHER FAULT!! “Friend” gets 200 points!), I tweeted THIS around noon:

He may not have appreciated my “tone”; OR the 3 sanctimonious hashtags. I had now reached the upper echelons of infuriation, previously awarded to another oft-discarded friend of his; and was also told that a certain so-and-so was so right about me.

Point taken.  Really, well-done. Are we finished for-the-reals this time?  This scenario on constant replay is hella tiresome…

– Oh, and no harm done, So-and-So. Honest. You probably did me a huge favor; though I remain completely clueless about whatever you said. Never asked. Don’t care. We should do lunch…

As for all my faults? Embraced. Celebrated on this blog, even; whether you enjoy them or not. Feel free to #notlike and say as much in the comments.

*This post is dedicated to all Senior Officers of the Twitter Etiquette Police and sanctimonious hashtaggers everywhere. #sorrynotsorry #frenemies #youreaDIVA

Have you ever had a longtime friend blow up and dump you? Do I not ENTERTAIN by poking fun at myself sometimes? Am I stoopid about how Twitter works? Lay it on me, people – let’s discuss! I promise not to write a post about it…

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About LVital7019

Just your normal, everyday 9-5er. An uninspiring position in an inspirational non-profit moves me to constant goof-offery; aimless, on-the-job procrastination; a crankiness that borders on psychosis; and attempting to craft something meaningful with words. Just another so-called-job inspiring someone to feats of insanity with a hint of creativity... (Insert demonic laugh HERE.) View all posts by LVital7019

25 responses to “Deed to Doghouse With a Catfood Pantry

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Tony Single

artist. wastrel. a quantum of potential.

The Greenwich Village Literary Review

A magazine by writers who love to write for readers who love to read.

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