*BlanksGiving*

How are you all doing? Good. I’m not quite sure how I got myself stuck in this two-fer holiday nightmare but it’s giving me a case of the What-the-Fucks!…

For one – back in August at the end of my father-in-law’s 75th birthday celebration I gave myself a present and outright refused the favor of watching his pissy little shit… I mean, his sweet little shih tzu who is prone to excited fits of incontinence, over the Christmas weekend. I was all proud of my standing firm and tall in the Land of Nope – which is my sweet spot in times like this.

You would have been proud of me, too!  He was all like –

“So you’ll be getting her for the weekend during Christmas!”

And I was all like –

“Nope. Sorry. Not doing it.Nuh-uh. NoFuckingTHANKYOU”, 

while my husband simultaneously tried to explain to his pop that “I tried to talk to her about it, but…”

But NOPE; that’s what.

Whatever it was it was apparently temporary.

To shed a little more light on the above, in the spirit of being fair, since I took humongous pleasure in doling out the Christmas nopes, I agreed to host Thanksgiving since my husband said he’d prefer not to have to drive anywhere. Our Christmas plans are to hang in Long Island with my family since I hardly ever get to see them. It is not a super-long drive but it can be up to 2-3 hours with heavy holiday traffic.

We could stay over but…

We’re watching the pee-pee dog. That’s right. After being so proud of myself for not letting hubby’s dad put a kink, or in this case a piss-puddle, in our holiday plans we are stuck watching this dog. Why? Because nobody else will. Pop-in-law will be going with the rest of his family to Atlanta.  I’m pretty damn sure he didn’t bother asking anyone else because, y’know – your kids are here on this earth to give you free shit because you gave them life and taught them how to be good, responsible adults. Who spring shit like this on the wife at the last possible minute when she can’t gracefully cancel because of a “miscommunication”. Fuck!

Hubby doesn’t see what the big deal is.  It’s not like I hate dogs. It’s just that where I come from family doesn’t put family out during the holidays – they procure a dog-sitter or pay to board their pissy pooches over the 5+ days they plan to be away. That way your kids don’t have to be stuck hauling ass 5 counties north at a not-too-late hour on Christmas day so that your damn dog can be fed and walked… So much for staying the weekend in Long Island.

It’s not like hubby isn’t giving me a choice in the matter. Oh, no – he will sho’ nuff spend said 5 days during Christmas at his dad’s house to watch that mutt if I really don’t want her in our house.

This is of course not the fucking point.

The point is I do not give of myself willingly to his family’s needs for 2 holidays in a row. Especially if it means taking myself away from my family’s celebrations prematurely. Seriously – my cousins are a fun bunch! You gotta see all the pics Cousin N from California put up on Facebook from our collective birthday celebration in October. I don’t even remember some of that shit!  (*Remind me to tell you all about the “MERCYYYY…!” incident at a later time.) Yay wine…!

Which I will most likely need a lot of for the next 3 holidays. Thank goodness for the resurgence of quality boxed wine – 4 liters for $20!

Just wait ’til my husband finds out that I stuck the extra turkey breast he bought especially for his father in the same spicy jerk sauce that I am marinading our 18-lb turkey in. Chew on that, daddy-o! Jerk turkey for everyone. You can bet your ass we are doing shit MY way!

Plus I plan on super-spoiling that mutt of his and resuming my decade-long strategy of not ever hosting the holidays. And never watching that mutt again.

Yeah. Merry fucking Christmas.