WERK Werk WERK Werk WEERRRRKK!

Will this be:

• An open letter of apology to my boss?
• A modestly self-deprecating assessment of my id?
• A mea-culpa to the world at large that I’ve anonymously and not-so-anonymously verbally abused?

This is NONE of those things.

*BlanksGiving*

How are you all doing? Good. I’m not quite sure how I got myself stuck in this two-fer holiday nightmare but it’s giving me a case of the What-the-Fucks!…

For one – back in August at the end of my father-in-law’s 75th birthday celebration I gave myself a present and outright refused the favor of watching his pissy little shit… I mean, his sweet little shih tzu who is prone to excited fits of incontinence, over the Christmas weekend. I was all proud of my standing firm and tall in the Land of Nope – which is my sweet spot in times like this.

Sharing is Preparing… or, Disrepairing?

I was supposed to go into a meeting twenty minutes ago that may or may not decide my fate.  Things are kinda tense here, in that whole “IDGAF so therefore I’m here but really not here“+”Meh”+”Lemme light this match & walk out” way.  I plan on giving you all a thorough elaboration in the near future.

Something is JUST NOT RIGHT…

Something strange is going on. I JUST KNOW IT…

My director came back this week from maternity leave. Despite the fact that she basically threw me under the bus for trying to escape, it’s nice to have another voice up here on the second floor; outside of all the crazy, attitudinous voices in my head. Yeah, I made up a word. Fuck it. It works.

During all the “private” meetings The Boss held with the accountants, the A/P and the A/R clerks during the month before Ms. Director’s return, he must’ve given them all the “Let’s not encourage her” lecture.

Sweet Brevity of BS – Brought to you by: *IDGAF*

The joyful effervescence of daily office-life.  Bubbling up to make things shiny and new – and by “shiny” and “new” I mean EVERLOVING FUCKING HELL, PEOPLE!! 😡

LinkedIn LOVE!??

Dear LinkedIn Lotharios/Laureates/Casanovas  –

How proud you must be to have taken the immediate opportunity to sign up on LinkedIn to create such an enviable professional profile. You added your curriculum vitae, listed all your professional experience, connected with others in your network and are now probably getting emails chock full of employment openings in your field.

This being said, it seems you know full-well what purpose LinkedIn serves.  YET you decided to pursue this ill-conceived mission to use it as a DATING SITE.

Preview spot: SNARKNADO…

*Best read with Mr. Moviephone’s voice in your head to enhance dramatic tone. Roll tape!

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 AS IF A NIGHTMARE, DEAD-END JOB WASN’T BAD ENOUGH – SNARKNADO! is NOW. Scanning.  IN!…

NOT just another ANGRY ADMIN … BEYOND your everyday SARDONIC SECRETARY – her witticisms punctuated by the blood-red lips of a snark-slashed smile…

Seven-years jaded & increasingly resentful OF THE MUTATING MOUNTAINS OF PAPER ON HER DESK and the pitiful complaints of Professional Idiots,

SHE’S… …HAD… …ENOUGH!

Imbecillusism of the Week: RUFKM!? Excuse-of-the-Week

“Because I didn’t have my computer to give me the CALENDAR POP-UP to remind me that it was time to come over and cover for you”

I bet you’re laughing already. I will admit to laughing, but not in the way that conveys the pleasant surprise of finding something hilarious

Voicemail of the Week

It took the Administrative Assistant from HR no less than ONE-HUNDRED words to basically ask me if anybody in my office happened to be missing a Post-It with a phone number on it.  The Post-It accidentally became attached to a signed form which I interofficed back to them yesterday.

NEED… …MORE….. POST-ITS!!!

ONE. HUNDRED. WORDS…

It’s that type of message where you’re rolling your eyes so hard that should anyone enter in the middle of this, they’d probably think you were having a seizure and might just make the mistake of calling the paramedics.

At least that would make the day more interesting by allowing me the chance to ROLL with that opportunity!

 

Losing My Mind… To ASOTV Products

Happy Monday, followers! I will now occasionally be blogging over at Showcaine.com, which is a great new blog out of my hometown of Brooklyn, NY. Check them out, check out their YouTube show and definitely read my post! (Excerpted below)

Because we’re now too dumb for a Tamagotchi…

Americans, we are not THAT stupid…

Do as nature intended, my friends, and make a conscious effort. Unlike some very popular government propaganda, this stuff you see on TV WILL actually kill your brain cells. LIFT a hand; RAISE it to toast a ban on the banishment of the American intellect. Just please don’t cave in to the convenience of plastic handles for those bottles…

via ASOTV Gadgets: Dumbing Down Americans 24/7.

What Happens if I Click “Send”?

Dear Mr. Omar,

We have had it up to here with your waterlogging shenanigans. It’s not just the fact that you douse the toilet seat; it isn’t solely the way you splash the mirror like an exorcist with holy water or that you flood the countertop and make puddles on the floor for some unknown, idiotic reason. It’s worse than that and you are now under fair warning…

Promotionally Retarded

I am a promotional idiot – sticking it out on the simpleton shift chewing up ticky-tack specks of bone bowing loyal to the sweet, senile, blind… and monthly State Reports.  Which were temporary…

I am a promotional idiot – tongue-bitten bruised keeping silent all these years not for fear; NOT for fear of Beelzebitch’s plowing through our hut like an angry convoy – I compile and file; I crack jokes as my gift to her victims…

Gratitude Sans Attitude

Today I will be briefly plunking myself into a sort of mental exile from the office insaniacs to make a wholehearted attempt to (“t h a n k” ???) say something nice about all the exes whose pathological personalities and outright horrible behavior propelled me like a rubber-band slingshot to madness and back again.  You see, I’ve been struggling with this Jiminy Cricket-ish problem lately…

Calamity Pane

So for 3+ years my coworker, J,  and I have had this ongoing debate, aka WAR, about the front entrance to our building.  We have a glass door complete with prominent metal frame and handle, next to which is a floor-to-ceiling picture window.

Crimes and Misty-Nomers

During a brief spell in my youth, I wanted to change my name. I considered something like Leyla, which was popular and pretty. It wasn’t that I hated my name – it’s just that people ALWAYS got it wrong and it has been pissing me off my whole life.