What a Super-Honest “— Available” Ad Should Say

**ASSISTANT AVAILABLE**

NOTE RESUME BREAKDOWN DETAILS FIRST!!

*Click to open in a New Tab. See how smart & considerate I am?

 a)  DO NOT, I repeat – DO NOT even think about sticking me in another accounting/billing/banking/investments/anything-to-do-with-MATH-or-insurance office. Just NO.

b)  THIS is exactly what happens when you don’t take heed of (a).  Never mind what happens to Directors who think they’re crafty & ask for a secretary when they really need an entire AP department.  Unions do not like that shit, BTW…

c)  The job that made me happy; except for the fact that it was temp.  And, the temp agency told me nothing about the Civil Service test required to keep said job.

d)  I got a promotion here.  That’s all…

e)  This is for bragging rights. Got a commendation from an EVP whose handwriting was dubbed “Ira-glyphics” for my outstanding, uber-professional performance on the agency switchboard during September 11, 2001.  Also, this is where I became DONE with people calling me by the wrong name – fucker called me “Lorelei” for my entire 3-year stint.

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Interview Tips:  Try not to get hung up on fancy words like “entrepreneurial“.  First off – it sounds like a weird, psychological disorder.  Second, I paid to revamp my data making it suitable for procuring my dream-job so damned if I know what the FUCK that shit means….  (Hahahahahaha – of course I know what all the words mean!  I’m a writer!)

*Also, if you’re a giant nerd who is mollified by snazzily attired, Puerto Rican women please do your best to get to the point of your endless, circular question before I clumsily interrupt you, killing my shot.  (Totally worth it to hear your staff laugh at you, but all in all best to avoid this.)

The No-No List aka “Things I Will NOT DO”: 

Buy cards/gifts for your wife / Drive you ANYWHERE /  Act like I’m taller than my 5′-frame can reach / Be ok with you screaming at me FOR ANY REASON;  much less for your anal-retentiveness about a toothpick in my mouth / Cut your hair / Allow you to call me by derogatory nicknames just because you think it’s cute / Babysit your dog/cat/bratty grandchild / Do overtime at the drop of a hat just because my spawn is grown.  I have a life with much better things to do than organizing the 100 copies you “forgot” to collate.

Before you go saying, “Why did you even fucking BOTHER wasting my time putting that resume in front of me!? I am an IMPORTANT EXECUTIVE!!!”, know this –  there are a lot of things that I WILL do for a paycheck and/or a nice bonus.  On that note, I am totally fine with:

1. Any task that plays to my talents/interests because, duh!
2. Doing an occasional errand or bank-run
3. Internet ANYTHING (sorry, but shopping & email is occasionally included here)
4. Cursing whenever it’s fucking called for
5. Letting you rub my feet *FOR EXTRA $$* (free for hubs only)
6. “Looking” like I’m busy
7. Office-birthday memes (Trust me, I kill with these)
8. An occasional lie like, “My computer broke so I never saw that email”
9. Trading my undies and/or old flip-flops for cold, hard $CASH$
10. Fuck #9. I am NOT that desperate… yet. But everything has a price…
11. Taking a longer-than-normal lunch to counter any & all bullshit
12. Calling a dumbass a dumbass

You may email me for interviews at this point since it’s obvious I am HR *GOLD*.  Send away!