So this is what happens when you, stupidly, break a promise to a friend… except at the time this was written we technically weren’t friends. Either way, it was a shitty thing to do (and probably an awkward read for you guys). I promise to never do this kind of thing again. Friends deserve better.
Today you will see that there is more to me than just the frustrated, sarcastic, angry, bitter, jaded “Rogue Secretary” (and occasionally crappy friend) you’ve come to know and love… for starters, you never would’ve have guessed that –
I WILL BECOME IMMORTAL
@psychological says that people who are “sarcastic on a regular basis” can add 3 years to their lives. At my current rate, Duncan MacLeod and I will rule the world together. I’m not entirely sure of the formula for the calculation of exactly how many years I’ve gained; but It should go something like:
IF: regular snarkiness = +3 years to avg human lifespan, THEN: constant sarciness = PRINCESS OF THE UNIVERSE!!!
That should be easily proven by those science & psychology-people… C’mon now; if I am the Sarcasmatron my husband says I am every minute of every day including weekends, don’t I deserve to wind up with Duncan MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod?? Don’t I!??
LET’S GET COOKING
You also may not be aware that I, as my husband likes to say, “concoct” things. For example, taking for granted that you already know about our current broke-ass status, here is something I did in July when lack of provisions and need for a quick dinner arose:
- scramble 2 organic, free-range eggs with 1 tbsp Goya sofrito
- pour into hot pan with butter, add 4 oz black beans leftover from anniversary dinner (praise Groupon!), 1 slice of Muenster cheese, fold, and – Voila! A quick, yummy omelet!
I also regularly concoct a breakfast egg-salad thing with soft-boiled eggs, various spices, sea salt, black pepper, mascarpone cheese and cheapo caviar from A&P. This past weekend I also “concocted” paleo almond butter pancakes. (It’s an actual recipe which is actually delicious – picky husband ate 2 of them!) I am also known to use the bottom-of-the-bag potato and/or kale chip crumbs as a salad-topper. You are quite welcome… I’ll save my smoothie concoctions for another post. Don’t wanna drop all the recipe-magic in one place…
Here is the biggest revelation ever made on this blog. That is, after coming clean about all the internetting I’d been doing at work (up until June when boss-man dropped that damning IT report on me like sticky coins in a bus-fare box).
So my “Big Secret” is…
I AM ADDICTED TO WORKOUT VIDEOS
Our basement contains quite the library. Stacked on old elementary school library shelving, besides my hubby’s & my dad’s old books, is a large area filled with a plethora of workout DVDs. These range from Core Rhythms to Winsor Pilates to Brazilian Butt Lift (yeah, baby!) to Zumba.
I don’t know what it is but during my aimless channel-surfing while hubby’s at Midnight Magic (the Gathering, with all the RPG card game geeks you can shake an X-Wing at), if I land on some fitness-related infomercial I get all glassy-eyed. There are just. SO. MANY! And they look like SO… MUCH… FUN!!!
Hubby gives me the stink-eye for amassing such a large number of them but it’s still way cheaper than a personal trainer. Think about it – you can’t just train for 6 months, reach your goal-weight, get all legs-of-steel and just STOP, right!? Plus, gyms are gross and creepy – tried one of those interval training places once which had one shower; ONE. It was ALL women with a middle-aged male owner and it was super-cliquey so I quit. I’ll stick to my rotating collection of DVD’s and my dirty basement floor, thankyouverymuch.
Here is a short list of some of my faves from the most recent down:
- Metabolic Aftershock – currently in the midst of Week 2 & loving it – it’s QUICK! Remains hidden under beauty mags on a relatively inaccessible shelf. (hee hee)
- Body Beast – cool techniques but they weakling-shame by calling each other “Barbie”. Also, the unambiguously gay innuendo is hysterical so you can tend to lose your focus. Sorry, but this is stuff that even my gay friends would find hilarious (i.e. “Are YOU getting hard, Steve!? I know I’M getting hard!!!” – actual quote)
- TapOut XT – super, super fun & effective… When Monet isn’t being a total suckup-robot and grunting like a porn-star during a money-shot
- Hip Hop Abs (I & II) – also super fun but he brags about not being born during the 70s (whippersnapper!) PLUS more unambiguously gay hilarity for shits & giggles
- Brazilian Butt Lift – taught by a hot, tan, tattooed, heavily-accented-English-speaking Brazilian man. Who may or may not be gay. Doesn’t even matter. ‘Nuff said.
- Core Rhythms – dance to a Latin beat using muscle-toning moves taught by 2 perfectly fit Russian Ballroom trophy-whores. Just kidding. They’re totally adorable.
- Tae Bo – can’t say anything about former Marine Billy Blanks. His protégé, Shelley, is the female, less pornish Monet + both Core Rhythm chicks in one. Plus they wear headsets…
There are many, many others. My husband better be glad my willpower kicked in when they were running those Fluidity Barre System infomercials; mainly because his sister bought it so I’d hoped to inherit it when she got bored. Also, it was super-expensive when it first came out and would have been way tricky to hide a whole ballet-barre thing underneath the love seat.