Less “Office Ninja” – more “Drunk Ronin”

So, where was I…? This is the way my friend Tony put it, “Shit got real, huh?”

And then I realized that shit really DID get all kinda REAL. “Real” in that morale-annihilating way when some moron slams into you on the street, whacks your morning Starbucks out of your hand spilling it all over your flip-flop-clad feet and you say out-loud to the crowd who has no fucking idea what in sevenhells just happened, “THAT DID NOT JUST HAPPEN!

Except this DID happen & it’s a bit more serious than sticky, coffee-drink toes and a waste of close-to-if-not exceeding $7.

This could be a great What NOT to do at Work series but for some reason Office Ninjas did not seem the least bit interested in any of my brilliant ideas for a “Bad Secretary” column for their site. Frankly they seem a bit too “The Gentle Gestapos of Work-Ethic” for me but you have to respect their mission. When you’re not snickering about it, that is. They sure could use a little “dark” in their shiny, happy, pink office-bubble. S’all I’m sayin’…

In a nutshell my annual performance review blew chunks. It is basically what happens when your boss ignores you for the better part of 7 years; or pretends to and only takes the problem-that-is-you head on when the last straw has broken the camel’s back… or the camel-toe or whatever-the-hell.

His faulty memory says the following is true – that the work isn’t getting done (not true); that I don’t realize how my work or lack thereof affects others (N/A); that I spend way too much time on the internet (uh-oh), that I pawn my work off on others (not true) and that, according to my task list I am lying about being “overwhelmed”. Honestly, it was less about the number of tasks and more about the percentage of menial monotony. Let’s be clear.

He forgets that I turned down that Health Center spot in 2011 out of loyalty to him, the department and a project that I was sole lead on for 4 years.  That and he might be paying more attention to the Internet Usage Report IT gave him than I thought (Jinkies!)

I don’t ALWAYS do stupid things at work, but when I DO…  

Holy. Fucking. Hell. The ONE THING that might be kind of true, and by “kind of” I mean totally fucking-FUCKED true, is the thing that can actually get me fired on the spot.

All I know is that when you pseudo-demote lunatics and give a pass to every bird-lady and lunchtime walkaholic it makes good people just a wee bit bitter. And when you make unreasonable blanket-statements like “the work isn’t getting done” it is basically giving me license to:

  • Make you a list of everything that has gotten done this year; or
  • Do absolutely nothing until you grow a pair and fire me

So I decided to do a daily task log which details EVERYTHING done each and every day. It will NOT be padded with meaningless drivel like “Typed message from golf-buddy” or “Replaced tissues on my desk”. There is really no need for that since my 3-day average is about 21.667 meaningful, involved tasks per day.

How different would it be if I wasn’t doing any of those 21.667 things every day…?

Referring to myself as “ROGUE SECRETARY” colors me a bright shade of DRUNK-RONIN

I also decided NOT to let being in trouble get me down. I even made the boss laugh: In true dumber-than-I-look form, I entered our campus lot through the “OUT” driveway on Tuesday since summer traffic was clogging up the entrance at 8:56 AM. Summer-Program Wench now seeks blood so our facilities assistant gave me a courtesy call. Boss asked what it was about so I relayed the tale and punctuated it with, “‘Rogue-Secretary’ is at it again, right?”  He laughed, but note that this is 4 days after my damning review… Brilliant!

I also dropped it like it’s hot. During a filename search that had absolutely nothing to do with the recent drama stew I found a report/letter written by me in 2013 detailing my then 5-year ordeal existing under the thumb of the Jar Jar Bitchface. I never showed it to anyone and had completely forgotten about it.

So I emailed it. To my Director. And, I blind-copied my Administrative Manager, Mrs. O’Connor. This is what happens when you put an Administrative Assistant in charge of hiring her contemporary – you create an awkward alliance which will probably result with at least 2 people screwed in the end.

My summer uniform

My summer uniform

Although my motivation, my professional fulfillment and a good portion of my work-ethic have definitely atrophied, you better believe I can still find the double-negative in correspondence written by a pedigreed professional with more degrees and licenses on his wall than I have posts about sunshine and fucking rainbows. Damn straight!

As for WHAT happens next, your guess is as good as mine.  Perhaps I should get some legal advice, just in case… :/


About LVital7019

Just your normal, everyday 9-5er. An uninspiring position in an inspirational non-profit moves me to constant goof-offery; aimless, on-the-job procrastination; a crankiness that borders on psychosis; and attempting to craft something meaningful with words. Just another so-called-job inspiring someone to feats of insanity with a hint of creativity... (Insert demonic laugh HERE.) View all posts by LVital7019

14 responses to “Less “Office Ninja” – more “Drunk Ronin”

  • Tony Single

    Shit. This is about as real as real gets… 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    • LVital7019

      I emailed my first week of task-lists to my bosses & blind copied my Administrative Manager; who then called to ask if this was requested from me or if I thought of it myself.

      Interviews for that other spot starts this week and Ms. Manager wants me to go first. We’ll see what happens… Chin UP! 😉


  • thetattootourist

    crossing my fingers for you for on that other spot. You need that shirt in all it’s forms including PJ’s – wouldn’t that be grand? If you have time to kill (do it on the clock!) check out my new site – I need honest feedback and I am looking for funny bloggers like you to add some content if you are interested. http://www.mendo-licious.com

    Liked by 1 person

  • ericamilesx

    Do you accept prayers? I mean that sincerely. Please try not to get all worked up by this negative spiral. Take a deep breath and try to get some perspective. Maybe you could take a yoga class or even a karate class as a way of dealing with your understandable anger. Of course, it would be better if you found yourself another job, if you suspect they plan to let you go. But in all my recorded memory as a retired secretary/administrative assistant, there was always a certain amount of shit connected with every job I ever had. It comes with the territory. It’s part of a power struggle. If there’s any way you can hang in there with your sustaining sense of humor and the support of your friends and followers, I say “Grin and bear it,” and try to find some outlet to offer you enjoyment when you’re not right there in the office. You’re such a beautiful, talented person, you don’t deserve to eat the awful shit they’re handing you, but perhaps you could pretend you’re an epicurean and are being treated to a banquet. Just appear to be cool and professional. And yes, I think it’s a great idea for you to keep a diary of your daily accomplishments. There’s nothing like paperwork to offer up as evidence in this shit-dishing world. Just don’t let your so-called supervisors use your precious pages as toilet paper.

    Liked by 1 person

    • LVital7019

      As far as prayer goes I think people get too caught up in “self” to see that nobody is trying to offend or disrespect their beliefs. In short I thank you for the offer & recognize it for what it is – someone sending you a very positive vibe. I never get too caught up, so no worries. It’s “all good” and I refuse to live my life hanging on the approval of others; even if they do sign my paycheck. 🙂 Thank you!

      Liked by 1 person

  • pouringmyartout

    freekin’ awesome………..

    Liked by 1 person

  • barbaramullenix

    So now it’s about 2 weeks later – Any changes on the job front? Any people avoiding eye contact? How is your mental health? What’s happening with your house? All these questions……..I have nothing to do in my life except sit here waiting for the phone to ring with (hopefully) orders, and not ED recordings!

    Liked by 1 person

    • LVital7019

      I’ve been emailing my boss every week with a task list as proof of what is and HAS been getting done all along. I’ve also significantly cleared up my desk which is major for me. And, I’ve applied to 2 open positions for which my Administrative Mgr is pulling for me.

      In a way I think I kinda needed a little kick in the butt after letting all that bitterness take over my work life but it’s not like I don’t deserve something better. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  • Hilarious L. Vidal Gives Us the Straight Dope » Mendo-licious

    […] all probably don’t know me.  I’m a certified snarkaholic employed as the world’s “worst” Rogue Secretary .  I’m also a fairly snazzy dresser, a part-time grammar Nazi and a passionate writer.   I may […]


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A child shattered, Life beyond..

Just because you don't see the struggle, doesn't mean someone isn't drowning.. Pain of the mind is worse than pain of the body.

Tony Single

artist. wastrel. a quantum of potential.

The Greenwich Village Literary Review

A magazine by writers who love to write for readers who love to read.

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